I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
