she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
