Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
