he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I have already put on my inside pants.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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