How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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