how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
