proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
