Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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