I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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