I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
