seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
