if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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