I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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