thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
