If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
