I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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