I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
