Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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