god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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