He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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