Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
