After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
