I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
