My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
