It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
