Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
