Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
