Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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