it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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