I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
