I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
