when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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