Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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