You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
