the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Im part way to drunk.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
