you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
