now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
