you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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