I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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