1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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