Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
