I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
