I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There's always time for handjobs
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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