I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
