Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I need to calm my uterus...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
