ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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