after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
