She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
