what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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