He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
