Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
